Up There In Spirit

Time flies when you’re getting high
No fun in wasting your life
Take flight and soar
Transcend above the mess
Of a life less lived
Desired and yearned and now I earn
Respect, receipts, & recession free
Minds can’t fathom the greatness possessed
Wish you could take a minute of my time
When you’re not even worth your own
How on earth could you take me?
Destiny, take a seat to actuality
Dear life, please sit and relax while Spirit overcomes us all

11/09/2010

Untitled

Caused pain
Promoted growth
Opened my eyes to me
Worthy unlimited
Who are you?
To me the world
In your eyes I get confused
A desire of clarity
Understanding of what is
Addicted to love that can be so fleeting
I am supposed to love at this depth
When do I reach a point of return?
Longing for it
I dwell in these words
So accepting in my reality
As I search the city lights for you
Destined for our union
Seeing a past in this present
That, frightens truth into my heart
I'll let you live
As you were soldier
Serving the army that dies daily
While I love the light of life
Such an exchange in views
Will you see mine?

Round & Round

Wanted that way
Insecure in what's seen
Always feeling what's true
What's real
Granted sight
And it can't be taken away
Loving you forever is my hearts vow
Secured in my faith in you
This allows us to be in some space
God has allowed
Such a divine being created this love
Can it go awry?

In This Life Love Is King

Elation meets forever
Such a divine sensation
Not meant for us all to retain
But we ALL must attempt
For if not, we die alone
Without love in our hearts
The divine Being is just this:
Love undefiled unbridled
Sensational and true
Like a lie untold
Love is that, untruth weighed out and cleansed
Cleansed in truth and selflessness
Giving giving giving
Never expecting to receive
Simply because in this giving we have already received our sweet gift;
the giving of a gift
Thoughts of my deserving releases me from evils
If I am worthy I shall receive
Living as a worthy graceful soul
The God of love has been merciful
Selfless in His out pour of love upon me
Much much too good for me
Yet He has never not once not loved me
Destined an equally worthy soul
And with patience I await my moment
The moment He is preparing me for
Wishing for it is vain
So, faithfully, I work toward seizing MY END of this bond
This immaculate event of soul sharing
This compliment
Where ever it comes from, I declare, glory and praise entitled for
Jehovah, God Almighty
Keep on working on me, El Shaddai
I am ever unworthy as YOUR beloved child
And ever loving you, my dear beloved Lord

Yours truly,

Carmen Rayshelle

See This Fork I Got

See this fork I got...Pretty little silver fork in my road...leads not just one direction...but several...Got this love so sweet I can still taste it on my lips... Have this urge for fleeting freedom so deep I can feel the warm breeze on my face...Love him to death but even family love can't right these wrongs...the disappointment...the lies...Had the Father incomparable to all the world...Gone with the sweetest goodbye that pains me deeper than death itself...Even on a good day tears roll like thunder and its so unbearable I don't know how I function...How I hide it so well...Escaping my reality...Easiest temporary relief within arms reach...Unless I reached for my own arm...

12/2009

Untitled

Looking...searching...yes...this is me now...causing more pain and tears...like I don't know...better...me than you...at the expense of we...could...and should...be all that we could...should...let love...love...you are bigger than life to me...but my mistakes are always great...this could be much...for you...too much for a sane man to bear...So...please...excuse me for being me...I make the rules up as I go because I haven't mastered...Otherwise...I would be whom for which in this world you long for...No apologies...for me...but many for you.

12/2009

The Fullness of That Love is Death

I see people walking and they are not there
Feel their love but they can't be found
Want this love returned but missed out
Made mistakes and learn I must
Grow
I am me
Stars shine bright mirroring the interior of a soul
Could never fathom or compare such sparkle
Lead me sweet beauty to my destiny
Smiles conquer all
High notes in range
Tune in your ears for this symphony of God given talents & abilities
topped off with a gift
Divine gifts
Not presents but the present
Can't see
Can't be touched
But awed and reverenced
Admired & loved
But never taken
Selfishly you try to take and you try to love
Allow your being to be amused by the delights of the most high
Not comprehensible
But maybe you would be blessed to get a glimpse
The fullness of that love is death
Enjoy your view with each breath
He meant it that way
Enjoy this life while it beats in you
Flowing and coursing through the flesh He granted you
Or you chose
Deemed imperfect yet we should still strive
Not with excuses but reasons for our successes
Pass it cause they don't need to walk our walk
Let us be healed in our own afflictions
Relieved of the curses
Let that mans pain remain his pain
For you it is not meant
Give back what is unwanted
Pass on what you've been blessed with
God will never stop His great awe inspiring works
Just look at that star
Does it not keep shining?
Day after day, until it shines no more
And yet look...
Does that star not keep shining?
Meant to be a never ending cycle of growth and development
Let your path be such glory to your Most High, The Creator of ALL
I am still shining, see?
Amen

You Baby

I'm totally tryin to get back to me
To the essence of this being they named a song
My heart sings for so many
Yet it beats for one
My true love
Love of my life:
My map and directions
Smile on me deep within
Such a sensitive place to be
Blessed and forgiven
What a state of being
Chose love to begat love
Created pure love
With sweet love

You care?

you didn't care about me
I was out of your mind
they say we shouldn't be resentful and yet I don't want you
you did you then let me do me now
why my conscience is so damning
I can't acquire that knowledge today
wishing for a different yesterday 
that's not fair but what if I don't wanna be
turning the other cheek must have it's benefits
can't see
not blind 
lacking wisdom
but now I see
why did I ask?
what good does it do me to now see?
fools rush in but who comes out
tears drown me within cause I vow to not shed
overflow makes me scream deep inside
how do I return to sanity
where is my next wrong turn
can I want my freedom?
will he show me what I need?
cause he has it
cursed myself and I know it
can I be saved again and again
easy roads tempt me
and yet I deter others
shame shame shame
good morning but I'm not ready to begin
days when I begin with tears are bound to be a failure of some sort
can't you see
no I know you can't see me
sad again 
but I wish I could kill this sadness with one shot directly from my heart
don't want pain 
but gosh, I guess I need it to grow
there must be some other way
can't there be
where is my answer?
still striving for more
but what is what more
seeing the stickiness of my web 
no answers readily come 
delayed and delusional 
I remain 
I can't but my God can 

Ponderings While Love Bleeds

Hello again. It's been entirely too long. So I'll get right to it:)

Never felt distain of this magnitude
Feared the worst
And received such a disaster
Never secure in this at all
Fear that I never will be
Want to be alone
Needing my solitude
Needing to stand up for me and my sanity
How can love be so cold and so unclean?
So determined with deceit in its sights
Tricked
Tried and true
Feeling the swelling of tears and trying to contain
Not wanting hurt again but knowing God gives us what we need
Wanting to hate your every being
Never inflicted pain like this
Where is my karma?
Where is my sweet retreat in all this?
How did I marry into this lie?
These lies and hurts and pains
Tears be my sweet friend again
Comfort and renew me as you always have
Wanted to neglect you because healthy is what I want
Knowing in this life unhealthy is what I get
So take me away tears, with a bittersweet memory
Of a friend so true
Her days were always blue
Yet, mine were too
Tried to bring some shine and instead she took mine
Shared what I held closer than most
Intimacy divine
Where did I go wrong?
How do I end up here again with questions of who am I?
Let a vow pull me into madness again
Why, oh, my Lord, do I deserve and require such torment to grow?
Believing what is so untrue
Wanting the sunshine when I require the rain
A fish out of sea wanting to please only me
And yet, seeking solutions and premonitions for the next unworthy
selfish misguided God forgiven soul
None sin is greater than mine and yet conscious I stay
As to not offend or cause greater pain because of what lies within me
Knowing my pains leak through my very thoughts and my every move
Must we all live blind to our actions
And continuously ask for forgiveness knowing at a moment's notice we
are ever unworthy
Knowing in that moment we have alienated ourselves from that love
we desire to feel
Due to a multitude of feelings of entitlement
I entitle me to sacrifice for we and yet you
Oh boy, you
All the actions with equal or greater reactions
Creeping along hidden in your every move
Questions of you to your very core arise
Pondering's of the truth and its perception to you
How do they equate to me?
Hidden agendas are unpleasant to the participate left in the dark
On that sunny day I saw ever so clear the love I thought was near
Had long since left me and with its every attempt it failed to regain
Ground lost never to return
Needing love to retreat and accept defeat
Unworthy of such beauty within
Pure and innocent it claims to be and yet has yet to be seen
Let this flower bloom, dear sweet heavenly Father
In rich soil, nurtured adored and accepted
Ease isn’t the question but rather what is?
Honesty and integrity in each watering
Is it possible for one to appreciate true, raw, unyielding beauty for
just that?
Can a man see such beauty, admire and not pluck away the sweetest
inspiration to man?
Or must we all take what we want and pray that it works for us as we
watch it die?
Jehovah, give me what I need with ease if I am ever undeserving of
such torment
Struggle and strife
Not complaints
Mere observation
To the variety of the devils’ works
Knowing he shall lose as I once did
For that is the course of some charted paths
Love is always kind
But is love a fool?