You care?

you didn't care about me
I was out of your mind
they say we shouldn't be resentful and yet I don't want you
you did you then let me do me now
why my conscience is so damning
I can't acquire that knowledge today
wishing for a different yesterday 
that's not fair but what if I don't wanna be
turning the other cheek must have it's benefits
can't see
not blind 
lacking wisdom
but now I see
why did I ask?
what good does it do me to now see?
fools rush in but who comes out
tears drown me within cause I vow to not shed
overflow makes me scream deep inside
how do I return to sanity
where is my next wrong turn
can I want my freedom?
will he show me what I need?
cause he has it
cursed myself and I know it
can I be saved again and again
easy roads tempt me
and yet I deter others
shame shame shame
good morning but I'm not ready to begin
days when I begin with tears are bound to be a failure of some sort
can't you see
no I know you can't see me
sad again 
but I wish I could kill this sadness with one shot directly from my heart
don't want pain 
but gosh, I guess I need it to grow
there must be some other way
can't there be
where is my answer?
still striving for more
but what is what more
seeing the stickiness of my web 
no answers readily come 
delayed and delusional 
I remain 
I can't but my God can 

Ponderings While Love Bleeds

Hello again. It's been entirely too long. So I'll get right to it:)

Never felt distain of this magnitude
Feared the worst
And received such a disaster
Never secure in this at all
Fear that I never will be
Want to be alone
Needing my solitude
Needing to stand up for me and my sanity
How can love be so cold and so unclean?
So determined with deceit in its sights
Tricked
Tried and true
Feeling the swelling of tears and trying to contain
Not wanting hurt again but knowing God gives us what we need
Wanting to hate your every being
Never inflicted pain like this
Where is my karma?
Where is my sweet retreat in all this?
How did I marry into this lie?
These lies and hurts and pains
Tears be my sweet friend again
Comfort and renew me as you always have
Wanted to neglect you because healthy is what I want
Knowing in this life unhealthy is what I get
So take me away tears, with a bittersweet memory
Of a friend so true
Her days were always blue
Yet, mine were too
Tried to bring some shine and instead she took mine
Shared what I held closer than most
Intimacy divine
Where did I go wrong?
How do I end up here again with questions of who am I?
Let a vow pull me into madness again
Why, oh, my Lord, do I deserve and require such torment to grow?
Believing what is so untrue
Wanting the sunshine when I require the rain
A fish out of sea wanting to please only me
And yet, seeking solutions and premonitions for the next unworthy
selfish misguided God forgiven soul
None sin is greater than mine and yet conscious I stay
As to not offend or cause greater pain because of what lies within me
Knowing my pains leak through my very thoughts and my every move
Must we all live blind to our actions
And continuously ask for forgiveness knowing at a moment's notice we
are ever unworthy
Knowing in that moment we have alienated ourselves from that love
we desire to feel
Due to a multitude of feelings of entitlement
I entitle me to sacrifice for we and yet you
Oh boy, you
All the actions with equal or greater reactions
Creeping along hidden in your every move
Questions of you to your very core arise
Pondering's of the truth and its perception to you
How do they equate to me?
Hidden agendas are unpleasant to the participate left in the dark
On that sunny day I saw ever so clear the love I thought was near
Had long since left me and with its every attempt it failed to regain
Ground lost never to return
Needing love to retreat and accept defeat
Unworthy of such beauty within
Pure and innocent it claims to be and yet has yet to be seen
Let this flower bloom, dear sweet heavenly Father
In rich soil, nurtured adored and accepted
Ease isn’t the question but rather what is?
Honesty and integrity in each watering
Is it possible for one to appreciate true, raw, unyielding beauty for
just that?
Can a man see such beauty, admire and not pluck away the sweetest
inspiration to man?
Or must we all take what we want and pray that it works for us as we
watch it die?
Jehovah, give me what I need with ease if I am ever undeserving of
such torment
Struggle and strife
Not complaints
Mere observation
To the variety of the devils’ works
Knowing he shall lose as I once did
For that is the course of some charted paths
Love is always kind
But is love a fool?