A lone r

Since so long ago I’ve craved and denied
I’ve loved and lost
I’ve felt and now I feel no more
Tears in the distance cause they remain
Uncried if I regain and sustain control
Unwilling to allow the searing pain of love
To return to this weak and distraught vessel
Because she exists no more
Weakened by love
Destroyed all love allowed
Pointless encounters of lust
Deserves to be held and adored
But requires so much more
Never known love to fulfill
All of those prophecies and splendor
Just a façade of this so called cherished treasure

The Answer...And...The Root Of EVIL

These last few days have been a bit hellish and unruly...I feel myself retreating to my thoughts instead of willing them to the air and scrutiny that is promised...I never said I was good enough or willing to even try but...I do...everyday. I've always been a bittersweet fountain. And really...I only wish to change the dramatics behind it...I aspire to be a not-so-bittersweet-man-made-replica-of-the-ocean. Otherwise known as a big big big deal...Maybe not to you but on some little helpless persons scale. I love the underdog and I really feel like there are not enough people fightin for us.

The funny thing is right now I am the poorest person I know and I don't feel like it. I love my life and the direction its going...because its my freakin life!!!!! And really because I realize that God has to be the center of my attention or I'll just wind up lost and losin again. Money has never satisfied me. I really just aspire for the good stuff it buys. And the stress it relieves on my bills and rent. Aside from that I know it has no real weight in my life. I encourage anyone who dares listen to my maniac like thoughts...try life with more focus on your Higher Power and less on money...see where life takes you...

Paradise Within

You are beautiful.
You just don’t believe the good you hear.
Positive thoughts!
Peace will flow within.
That voice that speaks to you is deep deep within the ravine.
There you will find paradise.

Untitled

Moments passed by me
Scared as a cat
To say the words that form my thoughts
About the love
I have to offer
The secrets I want to share
Between us
Your chocolate skin
And amazing eyes
Are worthy to receive every touch and each look
Search me because I want to be worthy of you

Living Free with Lester Sumrall

I'm reading a book called Living Free by Lester Sumrall. I wanted to share this with the people in the world like me...who drink and drug to cope...too stressed out to see life clearly...down and out with depression...I know and relate oh so well...try this... Mr. Sumrall says to make peace with stress, we must know personally the prince of peace, Jesus Christ. Makes sense??? I thought so...because Romans 5:1 and 3 says...Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.

Now I go to m-w.com...Perseverance : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness

Persevere: to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement.

Steadfastness: firm in belief, determination, or adherence

Marinate on that for a moment. Lastly...I wanted to share one last piece of encouragement...from Living Free...God's way of coping with stress is to 1.Become a believer 2.Don't worry about anything 3.Pray about everything 4.Give thanks 5.Meditate 6.Trust God 7.Honor God's laws.

I thought about this after reading it and it makes sense to me...but really we already know this as children of God...the trick is...apply it to everyday life and don't forget it. He has all the answers...so...for those mounting issues...fears...situations or whatever else the prince of darkness is stirring up in his pot...call on His power...its so much greater than our own.

He is always listening

At some point in many women and men’s lives alike, they will be placed (whether their choice or not)...in a situation where they are compensated for a sexual favor...or...taken something that wasn't theirs because they felt like they had to...or...told someone what they wanted to hear even though it wasn't the truth...I don't think these decisions are "that" bad because its not for me to judge. Its clearly not something one should consider an illustrious career of...if they plan to be greeted at the pearly white gates one eternity. But this is no diff from any other not so bad mortal situation that your Higher Power frowns or makes judgments against. We all have to remember that no one sin is greater than the other in God's eyes. One does not know the extent of damage or devastation that one "little" sin can cause because we do not have the all knowing perception nor the knowledge of the intricate details of a person’s heart and mind...like the Almighty... to know or gauge their reactions to our actions or sins. I wonder how my deeds will be judged. My day will come, I am sure. I will bow a deep sincere bow so low that I will wish I was bowing back on Earth because I will never be worthy enough. God is awesome! U should tt Him sometime. I'll warn u it'll be one sided at times but just relax there is a method to the madness. Patience…my dear child of God. He is always listening.

I love em!!!!

Your Future...Coffee...Global Warming

Caribou Coffee is my favorite coffee shop back in Minneapolis. I'm not a daily-coffee-thru-an-IV...kinda gal like my sister Hel...but I do dabble...in gas station cappuccinos with lotsa suga...or folgers and carmel vanilla creamer...or...and this is the final OR...Caramel High Rise!!!! YES!!!! Its wonderfully delicious...kinda like lucky charms...my favorite cousin Tone but me onto these heavenly sips a few years ago and made me into this caramel freak!!!! But the sad part to this story...member I said my life is sad right?! Well a lot of aspects are anyway...and here's this one...there is no Caribou here...in 50...yep! I said FIFTY miles of Houston, TEXAS!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!! I'm so disgusted. I nee ta fine a way to get em here...scheming....scheming...please...check back....

Anywho...the moral to the story is I support those people in the world who are tree huggers...I hope that wasn't offensive...I actually like that term...or energy savin freaks like myself...I make my roommates come and turn my stereo off when I don't want to get up instead of leavin it on all night...or Caribou Coffee because they are sourcing more than 50% of thier coffee from Rainforest Allied certified sources. This is like...uh...as they put it "green up" farmers practices and also gain more production efficiencies among other things... These people are trying to do the right thing...past it on...we all have to be responsible for what we each put into the world...


If you want to be around...damn the future...we are the future...if YOU want to be around to see the sun rise...act like it! Recycling isn't that difficult...you just have to do it. Try baby steps...like energy saving light bulbs...I got that from Oprah's show...try that one...you don't need blinding lights...so when you look at them it's like you're on an acid trip for 10 mins anyway...unless you like that feeling/sensation...then maybe global warming isn't your priority right now... I use 67 watts...it says it lasts for 1000 hrs... and its not that big of a difference. Or my GMB...Jas reuses a paper bag to put her plastics...glass...and the other recyclables in...next to the trash can...Easy peasy huh...well...just try it wouldja? I! Am! trying to be responsible for the damage I do to this Earth. Accountability. See...I do have some great qualities...why can't I find a dang-on job?! lmao

Home Bittersweet Home

A plan? Whose plan? I ain't even got one. Yet.

I’ve been so conflicted and annoyed with life lately I don’t stop to see the outside world much….except to night stalk. Which is me stepping out my door…onto my from porch with whatever random pj’s I’ve mustered up the strength to put on… just to see what the night crawlers are out doing. During the day I stay holed up in this apartment day after day…lost….lost on the road….I want to do so much but I can’t. I have no job…no money…no hustle…no children…no car…and no ambition I guess. I want to write so at 4:30 am on Monday June 29, 2009 I started writing. I don’t care about what I just want to write. I’ve been terribly conflicted by this calling…dream…urge…gift….curse(as I viewed it in early days). Pen and pad…or fingers and screen and keyboard and the world wide freakin web and myspace and facebook and sugardaddieforsike.assholes and cnn.com and so many other distractions. I’m dueling it out…but… I guess that will help add the spice to my life. I am going to upset and please many. I don’t really have a choice. That’s my nature I guess. I just want someone to feel me and really feel me. Ya know?

Life has been a very sad road for me and I feel the longer I keep it in…the longer and more perverse the damage will be. I did not ask for this and so there fore I believe… (LOL LOL they say "I believe"… is a true Pisces statement) that it’s intended for the world. My secrets I can keep when I made the decision and chose it to be a secret…not because I am ashamed by what he or she did to me and blah blah blah…feel me? I won’t keep any secrets to myself but what I’m saying in English is…I did not ask for some of the worst situations in my life and yet I lived them and hopefully one day after helping so many other “people” who are like me(in one way or another) get over the CRAP…I will prosper. Not just financially…cause well…I have to prosper financially to achieve maximum help status for others lol. No really. But I have so many entrepreneurial avenues that will help “people”. Women, girls, boys, men, and everyone in between. God gave me breath to help people and that is what I plan to do.

Getting My Feet Wet With Ink

I want to ask someone of much higher success than myself in the industry of…music…writing literature…acting…etc… and I don't even know if I should ask them for guidance…did they ask for guidance??? Am I breakin' this sort of unspoken chain of command? I just think it'd be great if I could get a pointer or two…oh duh…Oprah…mentors. See, kids this is why it's important to stay in school and to also have inward reflection. I haven't a clue where to search for answers and that scares me because in the end I know where. I just haven't accepted that God is in control and there is no more that I can do right now but this. Church.